Sunday, June 26, 2011

Yummy mummies continued

Should you ever wish to infiltrate the ranks of the ym's you'll need a unique arsenal at your disposal.

This includes but is not limited to:

1. A moerse fokken SUV. This is for running working mummies over with. The SUV will always be clean. You will always park without any frantic 100 point versions of three point turns.

2. A good haircut. Thou shalt never turn up for the school run with a hairband and mousey brown hair. Thou shalt turn up with perfectly coiffed blonde hair an absofuckinglootely dazzling smile. Never mind whether the offspring have been projectile vomiting all night, or if your husband just ran off with his accountant- you will be impeccable and smiley and you will be able to flick your hair in a shimmering display of awesomeness.

3. A decent rack. Boobies must be prominently displayed at all times, not in an overtly revealing manner, but no baggy sweaters or lumpy old jerseys- they will be correctly constrained and presented front and center.

If it's cold and you get a nipple stand, you will not embarrassedly acknowledge this by crossing your arms, you will continue to chat to your victim with the perked up appendages pointing at the acquired target.

4. Mastering the backhanded compliment. You will assert your dominance over the other ym's by carefully placing compliments that later explode when the listener realises what was really said. Examples include "wow, you've lost so much of the baby weight". "Your house is so quaint" and "I just love your vintage clothes".

enough now, discussing them is depressing me. I am going to go and inject my face with aerosol whipped cream and left over horse tranquilizers.

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